1. Single Minded Attention
Christian is supremely single minded when it comes to Anastasia. He’s focused on her, and only her.
He doesn’t squander his attention or sexual energy on other women in any way. If there is a gorgeous woman within sight, he doesn’t take his eyes off of Anastasia for a sec.
Christian wants Anastasia, and he is clear in his intent.
2. Unapologetic Sexual Desire
Christian unapologetically craves Anastasia. He is a calm, controlled man with a healthy relationship to his sexuality and he finds Anastasia absolutely captivating. He lusts after her like most women have never experienced in real life.
It’s an aphrodisiac to feel someone’s eyes on you from across the room (something that she does several times throughout the trilogy).
Christian is always in control of his sexual desire, but just barely. It is the line that he walks between being in control of his sexual beast, and her alllllmost making him lose control of himself that she finds so erotic.
3. Driven
It’s not the fact that Christian has billions of dollars or a chiseled torso that women find attractive so much what those things say about him as a person. The external markers of success and health speak to his unrelenting drive and passion for what he does in his life.
It’s not that he has strong muscles, it’s the fact that he has a strong enough of a mind to have earned those muscles. And it is much the same in real life. Most women aren’t attracted to rich men because they have lots of money as much as they’re attracted to those kinds of men because those men are self-aware, driven, and actually care enough about something in their lives that they want to chase it down and conquer it.
4. Love and affection
If he was only ever sexually aggressive with her then it would get old fast. Predictability is death to sexual passion. It would be like if someone learned how to play one chord on a guitar and then only played that one chord over and over again (whereas knowing just four or five chords enables you to play entire songs that are much more emotionally engaging). Christian is the opposite of someone who knows how to play one chord. In fact, he is described as “mercurial” 17 times in the trilogy.
When Christian isn’t tying up/spanking/flogging Anastasia, he frequently holds her, caresses her, adores her, and kisses her on the forehead. He is strong, and soft. Aggressive and sweet. He is all things in an ever-changing hurricane of masculine energy.
Action steps: love and compliment your woman. Be sweet to her when she’s sick, grumpy, or having a rough day. Kiss her on the forehead, play with her hair, make dinner for her. Be a good partner.
5. Decisive
Christian knows who he is and what he wants out of life… so when he decides that he WANTS Anastasia… it actually means something. Most guys choose a woman because they choose him first or simply because of how they look.
Christian has standards. He has insanely strict standards in fact. He orders a simple gin and tonic with about 30 hyper detailed words of specificity. The man knows himself. So his decisions mean something. He does not have low standards in any area of his life.
Action steps: make firm decisions. Stop settling when it comes to matters of your integrity. Feel passionate about something and let it show. Don’t be afraid to lead your dates. Proactively communicate to your partner things that they can do to make you even happier, and strive to do the same for them.
6. Intentionality
Christian is always in control of himself. He is super capable because he decided early on in life to regularly invest time and effort into developing a wide range of abilities. Simply put, he is hyper intentional about his life. He believes in self-mastery and is always looking for ways to challenge himself and improve as a person.
Action steps: live your life on purpose. Commit to growing as a person every single day. Challenge your comfort zones by traveling as often as possible and taking on new skills.
7. Willingness To Be Vulnerable
Christian has a mean history of trauma and abuse in his early life. It’s part of what drove him to succeed to the extent that he did. And one of the most endearing qualities of Christian as a character is that he slowly lets Anastasia into his emotional world and he lets her help heal his emotional wounds.
Modern men are raised with such a shamed mentality around their emotions.
Boys don’t cry. Never let ‘em see you sweat. Feel less, achieve more, don’t complain about anything.
Because of socially conditioned ideas like these being hammered into us, we also tend to intuit the lesson that women will lose attraction to us if we ever DO let them see us sweat/suffer/have a moment of “weakness”.
In reality, a quality woman will genuinely want to be let into your emotional world. She knows that you have some cracks in your proverbial armour because everyone has emotional wounds in their past to be worked through. Holding her back from letting her see you is like repeatedly denying her something she desperately longs for. She wants to be let in. And not to judge you or think any less of you… but to help heal your heart with her feminine nurturing and love.
While Christian doesn’t dump his past and heavy emotional baggage on Anastasia upon first meeting her (as he shouldn’t), he slowly lets her know more about him as he grows to trust her more through their relationship. This is the essence of healthy, high-functioning boundaries… he lets her in because he trusts her, and women (like all people) want to feel like they are trusted.
Action steps: let your partner see you. Don’t be afraid to share your secrets with people you trust. Let your lover in to your world and trust that they have your best interest at heart.
